Off Topic Tuesday - Walk A Mile In My Shoes

There's a saying that I think we have all heard at some point in our lives: "Before you judge me, walk a mile in my shoes."

A recent experience made me want to write this blog post today. Ross and I are in the process of buying a business. (More info on that will follow once we actually have a business.) This has been a great adventure for us, but it's also been a tiring, frustrating learning experience in many ways.

This past summer we took a 6 week road trip to 23 different states and 1 province in our search to find the "right" place for us. This gave us the opportunity to interact with many, many people along the way. For the most part, the people that we met on our journey were excited for us and supportive of our goal. If I had to put a number on it, I would say that 80% of the people were helpful, friendly and supportive. The other 20% were not.

I've been alive long enough to know that I am never going to please everyone and I will never be able to make everyone like me. So when we ran into people on our trip who doubted our ability to be business owners, it didn't surprise me and for the most part, I didn't care. Most of the businesses that we looked at were owned by people of retirement age. Many of those people told us that they were looking for someone young to take over. Multiple times we had people telling us that they knew they had to sell to young people because we have the energy and the drive to do what needs to be done to keep the business running successfully. They looked at our age as a positive thing, not something negative.

On the flip side there were a handful of people who doubted our ability because they saw us as two inexperienced kids. Now it should be noted that we are both in our mid-30s (35 and 37 specifically), but we were still considered "young" by some. These people tended to scoff at us and look at us like we were naive dreamers with no clue how the real world works. One or two people seemed to be resentful of the fact that we are able to afford to purchase their business. It was something that they themselves hadn't been able to afford until much later in life, so there seemed to be some resentment towards our own financial situation. However, these were the people who didn't bother me. They made quick assumptions, but didn't carry it beyond that. In the end, we just moved on to something else and didn't look back at the negative experiences.

Then, a little over a week ago, we had an experience that really stuck with me. We have reached the point in this business buying process where we have settled on a general location where we would like to live. Specifically - the Shenandoah Valley area of Virginia. We went back to Virginia about 2 weeks ago to re-look at some places and to see a couple of other possible options. Overall, it was a very successful trip.

However, we went to look at one location and the current business owner started out as what seemed to be a very friendly and helpful man. But as the afternoon dragged on (and it did drag) he started to bother me more and more. I can handle general stereotypes. You look at me and see a young naive person? Fine. I'll be on my way then. But when you sit me down and start lecturing me about something that you know nothing about - that is when I start to have a legit problem with you.

So this man spent close to 3 hours talking to us. First he showed us his business and explained his business process to us. Great. Then he brought us into his office where he proceeded to lock the door and have a "discussion" with us.

He started out by explaining how this business is hard and we have to be willing to do a lot of work. It's a little insulting to hear that since we already knew that fact, but since he didn't know what we had already researched, I just let that slide off my shoulders.

Then he brought up God. In the midst of a VERY long lecture he started to imply that Ross and I weren't holy or Godly enough to take over his business. He launched into a "I'm not going to judge you...but..." speech, which essentially did nothing but judge us. That was the beginning of when I started to feel really offended. However, I went to college in the bible belt and dealt with my Jersey Girl culture shock years ago when it came to religious fanatics in the south. So while I was starting to feel offended at this point, I still tried to let it slide off my shoulders.

Then, he told us flat out that he doesn't think that we have what it takes to go into this business. Since that's a bit blunt, and a major assumption, Ross stopped him and asked him to please explain why he felt that way. And oh the explanation! That was the point when I lost the ability to just let his words continue to roll off my shoulders.

This man looked right at us and said "You're young. You have no life experience. You sit here with smiles on your faces, clueless about the real world. You think that everything will always go your way and what happens when it doesn't? You don't know what to do. You don't know what to do when life doesn't go the way you had planned. And you need to learn how to deal with that before you can own a business like this." He went on a while longer - saying those same words in a few different ways, while I sat there trying very hard to keep my mouth shut (and I am not generally a confrontational person).

Now let me just tell anyone who is reading this: Please, PLEASE do not EVER say those words to a person that you don't know. Think about the quote that I started this post with - "Before you judge me, walk a mile in my shoes."

This man has no idea who Ross and I are. To make an assumption like that is not only hurtful, its rude, condescending and after a long lecture about being Godly and holy, not exactly the best way to prove how holy you are.

Snap judgements don't bother me. I make snap judgements all the time, as I'm sure everyone does. "You're too young", with nothing else said is not a hurtful comment to me. But to go on and on about how we don't know what to do when life doesn't go the way we planned, is an arrogant assumption and it makes you look like an arrogant ass. There's really no nicer way to put that.

I did manage to sit there without saying a word in our defense. Though you can be sure that as soon as we got back to our car I had a LOT to say.

The question that I pose to all adults who are older than me is this: Do you expect people to walk into your office, sit down and explain their entire life story to you the first time they meet you? If the answer is "no", then don't make assumptions about that person's life.

The fact of the matter is that Ross and I are both well schooled in the fact that life doesn't always go as planned. Writing my story would take multiple blog posts. Ross' story isn't my story to tell, but what I CAN say is that his life story makes mine look like sunshine and rainbows.

Did this man expect me to walk into his office and tell him that I have been in multiple bad relationships - the last of which was a marriage that was both verbally and physically abusive? Did he expect me to tell him that I gave up a career and a stable life to follow my ex-husband around the country while he was a pilot in the Navy? (The best part of his lecture was when he started telling us about a friend of his in the military - and implied that we have no idea how difficult a military lifestyle is.) And that that ex-husband turned into a man who began to physically hurt me and threaten to kill me? Did he expect me to tell him that giving up a career meant that I had no job for 7 straight years, which meant that I had no money of my own when my marriage finally ended in divorce?

Let me make it perfectly clear that I know that life is not perfect. Life is definitely not all sunshine and rainbows. I struggled for years in an abusive marriage. I struggled with fertility problems - and an abusive ex-husband who resented me and hated me for those problems (fixable problems, but he still held them against me).  When he left me for someone 10 years younger than me, I had to start completely over from scratch - because that's what happens when you have no career and no money and you get divorced.

Over the past 8 years I have moved 6 times to 4 different states that are nowhere near each other. When I was in college and pictured my future, I pictured stability. I pictured having my own career, a husband who treated me well and a few kids. In the end I got NONE of that. Much of the reason why I never got that was due to my own choices, which is a fact that I have come to terms with over the years. Regardless of the "why" though, the fact is - that is not how my life turned out.

When my divorce finalized almost 2 years ago, I had to start over with absolutely nothing, at the age of 33. No money. No career. No place to live. And you know what? I survived. It was hard - harder than I ever imagined it could be. But I did it. I got back up on my feet and I survived.

One thing this man said to us was "What happens when you make plans and then those plans don't work out?" It was a rhetorical question though - one he had no intention of having us answer. If he had wanted an answer, he would gotten one from me. The question was asked in a condescending tone, and that is what bothered me. My answer would have been simple though: "I have made lots of plans for my life and almost none of them have worked out. What happens then? You keep going. Why? Because you HAVE to."

The purpose of this post though, isn't to focus on this one incident. Its about assumptions. And about why we shouldn't make those assumptions. No one walks around telling strangers their life stories. If anything, people walk around daily, pretending to be happy, when happiness is the furthest thing from the truth. I have a lot of rough years in my past, but why would I tell you that if I don't know you? For one thing, I don't like to focus on that past. I don't want to relive every bad memory every single day. Wallowing in self pity because of my past isn't the way to move forward and be successful in life. That being said though, just because I greet you with a smile on my face, doesn't mean I am a naive child with no knowledge of the real world.

So how about we all try our best to stop judging people and making assumptions? I'm guilty of it too,  but the older I get, the more I realize how important it is to understand that we don't know the real story behind anyone's life. In many cases, we don't even know our close friends that well. I hid my marriage problems from my good friends for years. If someone gives me the opportunity to talk about my past in a comfortable and safe environment, then that is different, but for the most part, I won't tell you my whole back story. The reality is that I have reached a point where I feel happy again. But feeling happy today, doesn't mean that I lack the ability to understand that life doesn't always go as planned.

The good news is that this man owns a business that our real estate agent added to our list as a last minute idea. We were never interested in buying his business and we have no intention of going back to deal with him again.

So in the end I'll repeat what I said two paragraphs up: How about we all try our best to stop judging people and making assumptions? I'm guilty of it too, but the older I get, the more I realize how important it is to understand that we don't know the real story behind anyone's life. Let's all try to stop assuming that we can read a person just by looking at them. Walk a mile in my shoes before you assume to know anything about me...and I'll do the same for you.